The Grabber: A Bleach Story
by backwardswalking
Summary: Join and laugh at the journey that the Soul Society and the substitute Soul Reaper, Ichigo Kurosaki, have to take when an unknown character makes an appearance after 100 years of being dormant!
1. Chapter One

(Author's note: Hello, I do not own any of these characters or the show or anything of the such. Enjoy!)

The fight between Ichigo and Jerkface Kickie McQueerThong McGagger Fagpantyos has just begun.

"Getsuga Tensho!" Ichigo screamed.

"Rape attack, Hello Kitty!" Jerkface released her zanpakuto, Hello Kitty.

"Oh shit! Not this again!"

Jerkface forgot to secure her condom this morning. Some spirit took over her body. The fight practically ended when ichigo, Orihime, Rukia, uryu, Chad, Gangu, Hanataro, Kenpachi, Retsu, Byakuya, Renji, Keisuke, Myori, Nemu, Shunsui, Nanao, Jushiro, Toshiro, Rangiku, Gin, Aizen (Isn't he dead?), and other soul reapers watched Jerkface's spirit cry in a corner for three years screaming, "QUADRUPLE UNICORNS ON RAINBOWS ON FIRE!"

After that, everyone went to the world of the living to take a vacation. They stayed there for two weeks. Shunsui chased bi-sexuals, Myori researched dog shit (he accidently stepped in some), Kenpachi fought against Pac-man in the video game, Yachiru got high (several times), and Renji kept fantasizing about getting a boner while watching gay porno films. One day, he walked around town with a boner. No one noticed. BUT WHAT DID RANGIKU DO?! Nothing. She did absolutely nothing (shoking). Orihime disappeared. Nobody cared.

END OF CHAPTER ONE


	2. Chapter Two

(Author's Note: I do not own anything Bleach-related. Enjoy!)

BACK IN THE SOUL SOCIETY

It had been four weeks since everyone returned from their vacation. It's been business as usual, until something popped up on the radar for Kara Kura Town.

"It's an arrancar!" Akon exclaimed.

He sent a warning to all of the soul reapers in the vicinity of Kara Kura. It turns out Byakuya was the closest. He seeing the notification on his soul pager, he rushed to defeat it. When he found it, he double-checked his pager again to make sure he was looking at the right entity.

"Holy shit."

Before stood him...Spongebob (Holy shit indeed)? Spongebob then began to do the moonwalk, then disappeared. Byakuya proceeded to call one of the only two guys in the soul society that had a wrinkly dick.

"What the fuck do you want? I'm in the middle of banging Chojiro!" (I guess both of the wrinkly dicks were closer than he imagined)

"Head Captain Yamamoto, I hate to be a bother at this hour, but sir, Spongebob is back!" Byakuya yelled.

"Shit fuck!" Yamamoto complained.

In the background of Yamamoto's side of the call, you could hear Chojiro moaning, "Your ass is SO fine!"

"Tell your other fellow Soul Reapers to be alert. I also want you to tell Ichigo Kurosaki, Orihime Inoue, Uryu Ishida, and Yasutora Sado. Also, Keisuke Urahara, Yoruich Shihoin, Former Kedo Commander Tessai, and the Vizards need to know this information as well," Yamamto informed.

"How do I locate all of them? I barely know how to get to this world, let alone locate different areas in here!" Byakuya asked.

"Captain Kurotsuchi of squad twelve is sending his lieutenant, Nemo Kurotsuchi with a tracker that the captain recently invented. She looks different so I'll send you a picture that I drew of her. Don't worry, I went to art school back in my youngin' days, so it will look exactly like her!"

(The image is a stick figure with short hair that is holding a box-looking tracker)

"Thank you, Captain Yamamoto. I can always count on you!" Byakuya said excitedly into the soul pager.

Byakuya hung up the phone afterwards. All of a sudden, he felt the weirdest presence behind him. He turned around and Nemu was there. The picture Genryusai drew was on point. Nemu was standing there as a stick figure.

"Good evening, Captain Kuchiki, I have the tracker for you," Nemu told him.

"Dayumn, girl! What happened to you?" Byakuya exclaimed.

"Captain Kurotsuchi is running tests on disguising Soul Reapers' appearances while being undercover and inconspicuous. One of the appearances is a stick person. What I really wanted to be was the UNIBUNNY (Unicorn + Bunny = UNIBUNNY)! Well, here is the device for searching someone in Kara Kura Town."

Nemu handed over the tracker that was turned off. Byakuya looked at it strangely, for it was in the shape of a...boner?

"Why is it shaped like a boner?" Byakuya questioned.

"Captain Kurotsuchi has been...well...the whole Soul Society is covered in disease. The men all have a boner illness. It was because everyone saw Rangiku in a porn magazine that Captain Kyoroku brought back from the world of the living. Even Captain Hitsugaya has the illness, and he's not enjoying it. He has to see Rangiku everyday, and when he sees her, he thinks about Rangiku's naked body. Anyways, Myori couldn't focus on the shape and design of the shape and design of the device," Nemu explained.

"Wait, hold on, what's that in your pants that's sticking up?" Byakuya asked.

"Oh...well...it's...been quite lonely lately…"

"What's been lonely?" He asked.

"Oh! Look at the time! I have to get going!"

Nemu turned around and started to walk away. As she was walking, she was staring down at the stick boner she had and muttered, "No, boy! I told you to stay down!"

*AWKWARD*

END OF CHAPTER TWO


	3. Chapter Three

(Author's Note: I don't own Bleach or Spongebob or any of these characters. By the way, I forgot to mention that I wrote these crazy stories when I was nine. I was such a strange child. Anyways, enjoy!)

Byakuya used the locater to first locate the Vizards. Sure enough, Kensae and Mashiro were banging eachother on the couch, Shinji Hiyori, and Luv were fighting over a Crak™ pipe, and Hachi, Liza, and Rose were crapping on a poor innocent cat. The cat was black (Yoruichi?) Byakuya just left a note saying what he saw when he walked in, and he suggested an intervention.

Next, he heard that Keisuke, Yoruichi, and Tessai, were living together at some shop that Keisuke opened up years ago. Byakuya located them and used his bankai to get there on his flower-power.

When he arrived, Keisuke was running around in his birthday suit holding a join and screaming, "BONER, BONER, BONER, BONER!" Tessai was trying to butt-rape Ginta, who wanted it just as much as he did, and Ururu was in a corner reading a book titled, "How to Masterbate While Speaking with Daniel Tosh." Where was Yoruichi?

"I wonder…" Byakuya muttered under his breath.

Byakuya left a note saying how small Keisuke's dick was. Next, he told Yasutora, Uryu, Orihime, and Ichigo. Byakuya had already contacted the Soul Reapers stationed in Kara Kura Town (Zarakey, Soi Fon, Rangiku, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Renji, and Retsu) about this matter.

At Yasutora's house, Byakuya found him masterbating while reading one of those porn magazines with Rangiku in it. Byakuya left a note and proceeded to walk to Uryu's place.

Byakuya found Uryu passed out on the couch. He just left a note because it was creepy in his apartment. There were so many big-eyed dolls.

"Ow! I swear one of those dolls just spaked me in the butt!" Byakuya exclaimed. He turned around and saw Orihime.

"Hey, big boy! Come over here and give me a kiss! If you want to, we can go ALL the way." Orihime held open her arms.

"No, but I'm here to…" Byakuya was cut off.

"What?! Why?! Noooooo!" Orihime ran into a corner and whined. Byakuya left a note on Orihime's back.

"What's all this noise going on?" Uryu woke up from his slumber.

Orihime ran to Uryu and started slobbering all over his face. The worst part was that Uryu liked it. A LOT. It was the most action he had gotten in his entire life. Byakuya then left. There really was no point in telling Ichigo because Con was in his body. Byakuya passed by Con earlier today. He looked like a male stripper with a handful of porn magazines. He came out of a store called "Erotic Specialties". It was quite a strange sight to witness.

Byakuya headed back to his apartment to rest for the night. He doubted that Spongebob would come after him. He was originally called, "The Grabber" until he revealed his true name, Spongebob. Imagine Spongebob with cat-like eyes, bunny ears, girly heels, and a wicked-looking tongue. That's what he looks like. Spongebob is known as "The Grabber" because he is after Soul Reapers with big asses (Creepy, huh?). I know. The last time Spongebob came out of its dormant state was 100 years ago. He went after...wait for it...here it comes...KEISUKE! That's the reason why Keisuke resigned as a captain and hid himself in the world of the living. As far as we know, Spongebob has abducted seven Soul Reapers. The names of them were Kaname Tosen, Hannah Montana, Patrick Star, Squidward Tentacles, Happy Potter, Taylor Swift, and Lady Gaga (Wait, what?). That's the true story behind Spongebob.

END OF CHAPTER THREE


	4. Chapter Four

(Author's Note: I do not own the characters and such of Bleach. Same goes for Spongebob. Please take time to review the story so I know what you guys are thinking because I honestly have no clue what I was thinking, but I'm curious to know what you guys think of it. Enjoy?)

Ichigo was on his bed relaxing. He was thinking about how Con made Ichigo's body dress like a male stripper earlier while he was out killing some hollows in town. Ichigo found some porn magazines in his closet after he gave Con to Yuzu for payback. No one was around so he took a peep. That lead to Ichigo going through the 24 magazines in twelve hours while masterbating furiously, spending only thirty minutes on each one. His favorite was the swimsuit catalog, though most of the time, they were just nude on the beach. He felt ashamed after doing so. Out of the blue, Spongebob appeared in Ichigo's room.

"Who the fuck are you?" Ichigo questioned.

"I am, "The Grabber", and I have come to warn you! This time around, I am after Kenpachi Zarakey and Gin Ichimaru. I will arrive in the Soul Society in four hours! Warn everybody!" Spongebob announced.

Spongebob then proceeded to do the moonwalk and he then vanished into thin air, leaving no traces.

"Did that fuck just do the moonwalk? I've always wanted to do the moonwalk, but I've always been too white!" Ichigo complained.

"I can show you!" Aizen jumped out of Ichigo's closet in his cape. JUST his cape. Aizen started to moonwalk across Ichigo's room.

"What the actual fuck?! I thought I already killed you!" Ichigo screamed. Surprisingly, Karia jumped through the window and made an appearance as well. He joined Aizen in the action of moonwalking.

"Now this is fucked up! I thought I had killed both of you about 200 hundred episodes ago!" Ichigo exclaimed.

All of a sudden, Aizen and Karia started butt-raping Ichigo. Next thing you know, it's already the next day and Ichigo had just woken up to his hands being in his pants (clutching onto his junk for dear life), and being covered in the porn magazines he read about two days before. Looking to his left, he sees no one other than the Rukia Kuchiki that actually DOES have permission to be in Ichigo's closet. She's staring down at him in shame and she can't keep herself from smirking.

"Hey Ichigo, whatcha doin'?" Rukia asked deviously. The first thought that came to Ichigo's head when he saw that smirk wasn't a good one.

"I swear to fucking god if you took pictures of me…" Ichigo threatened.

"Blackmail's a bitch, isn't it?" Rukia cackled.

"Oh dear lord…" Ichigo sighed.

END OF CHAPTER FOUR


End file.
